What's it like living with a 100 year old veteran of the Borscht Belt? Terry Jernigan and Scott Rollins find out the hard way. Read their updates, and just be glad he ain't livin' with you.
4.12: Richard, Getting ready to leave town and Delbert was pissed to be cramped in his travel bag. He says he has out grown the need to be treated this way. He wants to sit in the car like a real boy, whatever that means. He was sobbing so much I thought his little wooden face would swell. Later, TJ
4.11: hEAD SPINNINGNH, dEL ANND& i WENT OUT TOwATERSIDE. sHOTS, BERE, bELGIAN MODELS. hEAD POUNDING LIKE A GIANT ORANGE GORELLA SWLLING INNSIDE MY BRAIN CAGE FIGHTING FEVERISHLY TO GET OUT, OR OFF. nOT SHURE. mODELS, dEL AN ME DANCING ON BAR, TABLES, HOOD OF POLICE CAR. nICE POLICE LIKED dEL. dEL AUTOGRABED HIS NIGHTSTICKL. fUZZY AFTER THAT, KNIGHTS A BLURRRR OF LEOPARD SKINNNED BIKINIS AND SWEET, SWEET STOCKINGS. mODELS WORR BIRTH SOOTS. dRY,DRY, WATER BLEELY ACHING FOR WATER. mOUTH TASTE OF ASHTRAY. cHEST BURNNS AND SHAME. oH DELICIOUS SHAME. iMIGES OF LIGHTS,LAUGHTER, SPINNINNNINNG, SPINNINNG, MARBLE-COLD. cOOL, FRIENDLY MARBLE. aND PORCELIAN, COLD WET PORCELIAN. wASH MY FACE. hEAD POUNDING, DRY, FEEL LIKE 20 POUNDS OF WASTE IN 5LB. BAG. mATCHING TATTOOOS. mODELS NUMBER WRITTEN ON MY CHEST WITH LIPSHTICK. sMEARED, UNRECOGANIZABLE. ddamnmm!!! hOT MODELS, OOOHH! cOLD FLOOR. pIAN. sTOP THE MIGET MONKEYS CLIMBING THRU THE KEYHOLES. wEARING LITTLE STRAW HATS. SOUND OF PAINT DRIYNG PULLING THE EYELIDS OFF MYNSOUL. mUST LICK HAIR OF DOG. pAIN AND ANN GUISCH..mUST TO DO AGIAN SOON. dEL SENDS HIS BEST. lOVE AND KISHSES~tj
4.10 Hey Myer, How the Hell is it hanging? Irish & I went out to Waterside and threw on one Hell of a howl last night. We met Mariana and Petya a couple of model gals I know from Sofia and we shot the night away, and boy I do mean shot. I was impressed with the kids staying power at the bar, but then again he is Irish. Dancing, laughing, more shots! Boy I'm sure glad that sour fart Scott stayed home playing with that blowup doll. He coulda came with but noooo! Pissed about me getting into his peanut butter or some schit. TJ, & the Gals had a blast. They gave TJ their number in NYC and we are gonna visit them after the we wrap. Big time in the Big City!!! Hey Myer I found your credit card. TJ had it and said you was floating the whole evening. Thanks pal. Don't let your meat loaf...Del.
PS Isn't Peter O'Tool a redundant name?
4.10: Well, it has only been six days and Scott and Delbert are making Studio B~6, our humble home, into a little piece of purgatory. Scott said Delbert came after him with a butcher knife and threatened to make like a Rabbi if Scott didn't back off and leave him alone. Scott said "I know you gotta work with that stiff hackneyed wooden actor but it's either him or me, one of us has to go!" I reminded Scott about Del's proclivity towards violence and his love of the movie Magic and how he wants to emulate the character of Fats from the film. In the film Anthony Hopkins, as Corky, fails as a magician until he teams with a vent named Fats. Fats soon learns he has more on the ball than Corky and goes to great lengths to keep the team together, he will do anything and I mean anything to keep people away from putting Corky into a room of rubber wearing one of those quant little long sleeve jackets that tie in the back. Anthony pulls a marvelous performance and also pulls a fetching Ann-Margaret in the film, but in his only screen role Fats steals the show. He is murder. I digress. I cautioned Scott not to provoke Fats, I mean Delbert, and suggested he lock himself into his room until I had a talk with Del.
Apparently Delbert chasing Scott wearing only reproduction Civil War army socks. I found this shocking as the socks are mine and I have asked Scott not to wear my things and run around naked. Scott says you have to be naked to wear anything since you are always naked with something on. Doesn't make sense to me either. Annheway, Delbert was rummaging thru Scotts volumous collection of, lets say adult films of a mature specialty nature, or porn for short, and knocked over a lava lamp. Scott had been in the bar dancing to Bare Naked Ladies, not the band, when Del surprised him by being in the house. Wearing only my striped Confederate issue socks, holding a jar of Peter Pan honey roasted peanut butter he and the ladies chased Delbert around the apartment taunting him with the butter, honey, and the threat of ants. Sounds fun to me but Delbert seems to be squeamish about ants. They treed Delbert on top of the armoire circling him and taunting him with jars of condiments, chanting in various varieties of footwear. All of this must have been too much stimulation for the little fellow as Delbert shouted he wanted the red head and flew at her with a chuckle. The Ladies fled in terror as Delbert giddily screamed "Abracadabra, I sit on his knee. Presto, change-o, and now he's me! Hocus Pocus, we take her to bed. Magic is fun...we're dead." They obviously did not see the humor in this and we are better off without a group of nudes without a sense of humor. What is the sense of being nude without a sense of humor I always say. AnyWayoffthemark, Del blamed Scott for the Ladies departure and went after Scott picking up a knife as he ran. They ran around until Scott got pissed and locked Delbert in an empty chainsaw case. I reminded Scott how Delbert likes to eat when he is upset and he was holding a jar of peanutbutter. Scott reminded me of how I sleep in terror with one eye open and found all of my shoes replaced with game hens. What can I say?
Del and Scott are obviously at odds and I have to smooth this all out and buy another jar of peanut butter. Not to mention Scott owes me for all the replica stockings the ladies took off with. How am I going to replace those serf wench stockings I purchased at the Maryland Renaissance Fair, the weaver is serving 20-life.
Well, Del and I are going to Bar Norfolk tonight to have a little talk and do a little bonding. He says he knows the doorman and a few showgirls in for some convention and tonight is his treat since we have been so kind to let him stay at the apartment. I wish Scott would just let this go but I understand. It's not everyday you have three sets of triplets over for a pb&j. Scott calls it a hat trick hat trick that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
I am looking forward to going out but how will I dance? My feet have nothing to wear.
Later, TJ
4.10: T.J. and Scott-- Sorry guys--we should have warned you about Delbert's..."proclivities" is the word I guess. He has many issues and was, until recently, seeing a Jungian therapist. But after an unfortunate Freudian slip he was kicked out of treatment and he turned to alcohol and drugs for comfort. He is also very sensitive about his size, but don't let him fool you into thinking he's helpless! He is quite adept at opening bottles, locks, and mail. (My Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue is still missing!) And I can't tell you how many times I awoke to the patter of little feet around the house in the middle of the night. And I have carpeting! It's creepy... The truth is, this whole movie has been an extremely elaborate ploy to foist Delbert off on some talented but unsuspecting actors. The idea was originally mine but Richard supplied the manaical laughter. The curse is yours! James
4.9: Subject: Not so Good Friday for Delbert
Hey Richard, quick note I have to run I cannot find Delbert anywhere. As usual I came home from work and Del was toasted. He had finished a bottle of Gray Goose vodka, the big one, not cheap stuff. How he poured it, and where he got it and I am afraid to ask.
Anyway that little bastich had the biggest martini in the world, he was sitting in a Tupperware cake traveler with a cell phone sobbing miserably. I was of course concerned as he was weeping directly into the drink. And where did he get a cell phone?
God I which I was diminutive enough to actually sit in an adult beverage. What a cleansing experience. Puns the hell intended.
Again anyway he was so morose or morbid or giddy, I cannot say. He was rambling about totally screwing lent and how his behavior would shurly end him in Satan's care and a "Poooooor liddle woouden boey like mee won't lasht a hell's flinshtent, smark my words. Hey Irish you lishtening?" I must say he seemed really bent out of shape because he has been on a week long bender and is so plastered on Good Friday. Odd since I thought he is Jewish.
He bolted from the room and I went after him and then that Claritin commercial came on, you know the one where the hot brunette city girl goes to the country with her boyfriend to meet the farmer family? Ahhhh, sweet heaven God Bless Levi Strouse!! Yea well when the commercial had ended I saw him coming out of the work shop and he just disappeared. He didn't leave the apartment as Scott and I lock the keys in with the knives in the tool box, I still haven't seen my power drill since he had that hooker over.
Well, he has taken off with my wood glue and a whole drawer of solvents, then Scott mentioned the anti depressants and painkillers we keep on hand for parties were missing. I am worried as we need to rehearse. I think he is trying to strip the paint off of himself down to the bare wood to blend in with the hard wood floors. He did this the other night and I tripped over him on my way to get another drink. I was really upset as I spilled my last beer. He laughed maniacally and slurred something about commando training for an indi he worked on in Georgia titled Soldiers from Hell's Toybox.
Is he on any medication we need to know about, and how can we get some? I mean for him. We are all out. Oh and Scott and I need re-embersment for the locks we put on the bedroom doors, bathroom door, refrigerator, liqueur cabinet, and vacuum cleaner. I do not even want to think of that experience.
Hope everything is going well at the production office and I am running out of ideas as to why I will not tell Delbert where you live. He is usually a happy drunk, until he starts with the sterno. Later, Terry Jernigan (TJ)
4.9: Got a surprise phone call today from Delbert, the signal was satellite fed and extremely weak, so it's anybody's guess from where the call originated. But he asked me to forward to the craft services dept. a list of his wishes on the set. It is rather lengthy and will take me some time to get the list alphabetized so that it can be easily read. Does anybody know where we can find a "ground Black Rhineceros horn"? Jay
4.9: last night delbert took alot of pain meds mixed with wine and came at me with a kitchen knife! dutch elm disease or not, we might have to relocate the little bastard - Scott Rollins
4.8: Richard, does Delbert drive a '75 Lincoln? Because I am pretty DARN sure I saw him heading north on 64 with an Atlantic City or bust sign in the back window and two beaudocious(sp) babes swilling champagne. It was hard to tell because at 90mph he went by really fast. Oh yeah, if no times are set on April 18 yet, the earlier the better for me. Jay Ross
4.8: Richard, I wanted to let you know Delbert is doing fine since he moved into the apartment with Scott and I. He has a quick wit and is quite a funny fellow. He seems frustrated at having small hands and Scott or I frequently have to open a bottle for him. I know he is a guest and I am enjoying getting to know him and rehearsing our routines but I must say he really is a slob.
He drinks constantly and his bumming my cigarettes is becoming stale. He has finished with most of the booze on the bar, starting with the top shelf and all the scotch, and we cannot keep beer in the house. I have never seen wooden eyes so bloodshot. I know he is having people over when we are at work as we have found bottles we have not brought in, articles of clothing, mostly female, and the smell in the apartment is unrecognizable.
The Playboy collection is in ruins and Scotts girlfriends refuse to come over. Oh, the neighbors are starting to complain and my next door neighbor cannot get her dog out of the apartment for her daily walks, she cursed me in the hall the other day and said something about a saddle. I do not think Delbert has gone outside since his arrival and he keeps a constant eye to the street and excuses himself when there is a knock at the door. As Scott and I use cell phones there is no landline in the house and I believe he is sneaking into the basement and tapping into the lines and placing bets with someone named Vito.
My neighbor (the one whose dog is now in therapy) said she was doing laundry and overheard him slurring into the phone at 11 am placing a bet. Later during the fluff dry cycle, Delbert was shouting into the phone belligerently that the bookie had placed the wrong bet and his horse had actually won. My neighbor now sends her laundry out for service. Delbert is a good guy but his antics are putting a strain in the building. He runs up and down the stairs in the apartment building screaming "This f**king sh**hole needs an elevator!" This usualy happens for about an hour just before sunrise. He doesn't really want to rehearse, I have to bribe him with shots, and luckily I made a copy of my script because he burns the pages with my character on them. One morning I went into the refrigerator and found Delbert sleeping in the crisper drawer, I am not sure Scott didn't put him there.
I know this sounds a lot like complaining but I guess I needed to get this off my chest. All this excitement and he has only been with us for four days. I wanted to know what he does for money and if he gets an allowance we need to see some of it. He is a guest but he throws food out of the window to the birds, like my tuna steaks, and the only way he flicks a light switch is with his tiny middle finger. I think I mentioned our fully stocked bar is in serious depletion. His liver must be made of hard wood. Although he is volatile and smells like an alcohol lamp, he is a great drinking buddy and this weekend we are planning a bender. TJ
4.7: p.s. delbert is one wild man- tj and i caught him in a compromising situation with a blow up doll-very shocking! Scott